Forever is Longer Than It Sounds- 04

We were lying sleepless in our bed. He was petting my hair, which he had long ago figured out was my favorite thing in the world. It had been almost a year since I finally told him I loved him. It had been almost a year since he officially moved his belongings from across the street into my house. It had been a year since Peeta and I had become Peeta and I. It had been the most wonderful year of my life.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked.

"Us," I said. He didn't respond, just kept petting my hair. Suddenly something formed in my brain."I wanna play a game," I stated.

"What game?" he asked.

"Real or not real."

I felt his body tense up. "That's not... that wasn't really a game... so to speak." I could tell that the game had some unpleasant memories linked to it in Peeta's sometimes foggy mind.

"But if you remember, it's how you got me to say that I loved you," I said, leaning up and pecking his lips. "And I do love you, Peeta Mellark. So, so much."

"I love you, too, Katniss Everdeen. And I always have."

I attacked him smothering his whole face in kisses. He lay still beneath me. When I finally let up he sighed. "Sure. Let's play."

"Ooh! Goody!" I said and got off of him, snuggling into his side. "Me first." I thought about it for awhile but I couldn't think of anything. "Fine, you first."

He didn't hesitate in the least. "You hated me for the first part of our first games. Real or not real?"

"Real," I admitted. I thought back to him teaming up with the careers.  How I thought he had betrayed me only to save his own skin. How I thought everything he had ever told me was a lie. How I was so wrong because all he wanted to do was try and save my life. "Okay, since we're on the topic..." I started. "When I found you, you thought I could save you. Real or not real."

"Not real."

I gasped and hit him. "Peeta!" I shouted.

"You wanted to play." He shrugged. "I knew your mother was a healer, but that you were squeamish. You were scared and you had to fight for both of us. I also didn't think that I honestly could be saved. And you know... I wasn't all saved," he said, tapping his metal leg with his real one.

Memories from our first games flashed through my mind and I buried my face in his chest. My throat burned with tears brought on from my hatred of myself. "I'm so sorry, Peeta." A few tears leaked out of the sides of my eyes. His soft shirt absorbed them immediately. "I did everything I knew how to do. I could have done so much more. I'm so sorry." I totally broke down and sobbed into his shirt. As he always did when he had to calm me down, he said nothing and began to pet my hair. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I repeated it in hopes that he would truly understand that I meant it.

Finally he said. "Katniss, I know. I blame you for nothing. You had no control over what went on in that arena." He patted my head once more. "I think we're done playing for tonight."

"No!" I shouted. "I have one more question for you." It was a question that had haunted me since the games began. My nights in the arena were spent thinking about it and still to this day I never had the guts to ask him. "When you were with the careers, and they thought they killed the girl from 4, and you went back to 'finish her off', you killed her. Real or not real?"

"Not real." I motioned for him to explain, so he sighed and did. "I wanted nothing more to get away from them, but I knew that as long as I was with them, I could help keep them away from you, which was my overarching goal for the entire event. I hated that Cato had tried to kill that girl. I know that's what you're supposed to do in the games, but that he was so excited to do it, so eager, it turned my stomach.

"So I volunteered to go back to her because I wanted to apologize. She told me that I was disgusting to go against you after my declaration of love. I told her exactly what was happening and exactly what I was doing. Then I said I was sorry. She said that she was sorry for doubting me and that she hoped that I was successful in saving you. Then I went back and she died."

I sighed. My Peeta. My beautiful, wonderful Peeta. He wasn't a killer. He went back to say that he was sorry. He went back because he had the biggest heart of anyone who entered that arena. The entire time I had planned to kill, to win, and all he wanted for me was to return home to Prim and my mother and Gale.

I put my head down and snuggled into him.

"Can I have one more?" he asked.

"Sure," I said.

"You love me. Real or not real?"

"Peeta, we've been over this before. You know the answer."

"I just like hearing you say it.

"Fine," I sighed, a smile tugging at my lips. "Real."